The Inner Workings of Asexual Relationships
We’ve already discussed the difference between sexual and romantic relationships (see What IS a
Relationship post), but what about the issues surrounding asexual relationships themselves? Reflect
on all the asexual people and characters we’ve talked about, how many of them are represented with
a violent partner?
Why is it that our society connects “asexual” with a person who is single and invulnerable to toxic
relationships?
Marriage laws and expectations, sexual harassment and assault, and emotional and mental abuse are all
parts of a relationship that are often overlooked when it comes to the asexual community. When in reality,
they actually harm asexuals, sometimes more than straight or other queer people! So why is it that when
people advocate for same-sex marriage or go through a bystander intervention program that asexuals
are excluded even though they are harmed by it?
Through an analysis of same-sex marriage, parenting, corrective rape, and emotional abuse, asexual
relationships are found to possess a much greater importance to the radical discussion of toxic
relationships than society realizes.
Marriage is a system that only legitimizes and supports certain relationships while rendering others less
important and invisible. Through marriage, people are granted economic and social privileges, resources,
and benefits. Which encourage practices of sexual relationships, like procreation. When it comes to
queer relationships and same-sex marriage, the idea of a union controlled by both the state and church
is already being challenged. The eradication of marriage would not only
benefit same-sex couples by combating homonormativity, but it would also help asexual relationships
by negating the sexual pressures asexual couples face. As an idea, marriage does not validate non-sexual
intimacy, invalidating asexual relationships and creating discrimination for the asexual community to
endure.
Source: Barker, Meg-John, and Julia Scheele. Queer: A Graphic History. Edited by Kiera Jamison. London: Icon, 2016.
Not much is known about the process of asexual individuals becoming parents and the differences
between parenting experiences as allo- or asexual, but the combination of queer parenting
discrimination and asexual discrimination can give us an educated idea of what asexual parents
and their children go through while trying to be a family in our heterosexual, sex obsessed society.
Just like how having same-sex or polyamorous couples as parents can cause discrimination and
bullying towards their children for being queer, similar discrimination can be assumed to affect children
of asexual parents. However, further harassment is to be expected because not only are their parents
non-normative sexually, but romantically as well. This could lead to the dehumanization of the whole
family, causing violent attacks on their children to occur while in school or out in public.
When it comes to the parents themselves, younger parents are more likely to be marginalized by
hook-up culture and excessive sexual content in media and advertising. This can cause discrimination
from peers, friends, and family by their lack of sexual, and sometimes romantic, intimacy, ‘othering’ them.
By being ‘othered’ their relationship is at risk of being questioned by people, causing the couple to
experience offending and invalidating comments on a regular basis. Older parents could be questioned
by neighbors or peers for not being “mature” and “capable” enough take care of children because they
have never experienced sex or an intimate relationship as serious as a sexual one. The existence of
asexual families are publicly challenging sex-dominant culture, contributing towards a safer and more
inclusive conception of a family, but they are also at risk of sexually-influenced ideas of family and
relationships invalidating their existence.
Asexual, polyamorous relationships are also at risk for societal invalidation and discrimination. For not
only do they challenge the sexual focus society places on couples, but they also combat the societal
idea of monogamy. Asexual, polyamorous relationships also complicate the idea of intimacy. Having
multiple people in a relationship opens up the possibility of having both socially approved and detested
bonds, placing the relationships within a gray area. One example is of David Jay, who in 2017, became
a “co-parent” in his committed relationship with married couple Zeke Hausfather and Avary Kent, and
is raising their baby daughter with them.
Source: I Know All News. “Asexual Man Lives with Married Couple and Is ‘co-Parent’ to Their Baby,” January 25,
Something else asexuals are assumed to no be affected by is emotional and physical abuse. One example
of emotional abuse is from the book “Let’s Talk About Love” by Claire Kann. When Margot, a queer
woman, breaks up with her partner Alice, a bi-romantic woman, it is because Alice is not sexually
intimate. Margot claims that Alice will never love her as much as she loves Alice because she is not
sexually attracted to her. By Margot declaring that Alice's feelings are inadequate because of her
asexuality, Alice is put through severe emotional abuse. Margot denying her own homophobic
insults towards Alice and shaming Alice for her sexuality creates an incredibly toxic relationship for
both of them, harming Alice emotionally and psychologically.
Source: Kann, Claire. Let's Talk About Love. Swoon Reads, 2018.
*trigger warning*
Sexual assault, harassment, and rape are experienced more within the asexual community
than most people realize. One of the prominent types of rape being “corrective rape.” Originally referred to
rape perpetrated by straight men against lesbians in order to “correct” or “cure” their homosexuality, the
term is now used more broadly to refer to the rape of any member of a group that does not conform to
gender or sexual orientation norms where the motive of the perpetrator is to “correct” the individual. In
a 2012 study, asexuals were perceived to be the least “human” of the queer community, perceived to
experience fewer human emotions. Although this is a completely false depiction of asexuals, it caused
society to believe asexual individuals would not be the target of prejudice and discrimination,
overlooking them when it mattered most. In the asexual community, corrective rape is often experienced
when someone is trying to “cure” or “fix” someone of their asexuality. One account of sexual harassment
was by Julie Decker, an asexual activist, who has received death threats and insensitive comments about
just “needing a ‘good raping’” in order to become sexual. She has also been sexually assaulted by
someone trying to “fix” her.
In a 2015 asexual census, the vast majority of respondents, 91.9%, responded that they
had experienced non-consensual sex.
Source: Bauer,C.,Miller,T.,Ginoza,M.,Chiang,A.,Youngblom,K.,Baba,A.,Pinnell,J.,Penten,P.,Meinhold,M.,Ramaraj,V.
(2017).The2015AsexualCensusSummaryReport. Retrieved from
Not only does this alarming statistic emphasize how harmful society’s exclusion of asexual survivors is
when discussing assault, it demonstrates how asexual bodies are seen as invalid
and incorrect within society, needing to be “fixed”.
Asexual relationships are not contemporary, they are just something society has yet to accept.
With the knowledge you now have, reflect on how your company or school deals with sexual assault or
marriage laws. Do they include the asexual body and asexual relationships or do they invalidate them?
🖤🤍♡💜Thank you so much for reading! Now go show the world what you know! 🖤🤍♡💜
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References
Bauer,C.,Miller,T.,Ginoza,M.,Chiang,A.,Youngblom,K.,Baba,A.,Pinnell,J.,Penten,P.,Meinhold,M.,Ramaraj,V.(2017).The2015AsexualCensusSummaryReport.Retrievedfromhttps://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/2015_ace_census_summary_report.pdf.TheAceCommunitySurveyTeam.
Carroll, Megan. Forthcoming. “Asexuailty and Its Implications for LGBTQ-Parent Families.” In LGBT-Parent Families: Innovations in Research and Implications for Practice [Second Edition], edited by Abbie R. Goldberg and Katherine R. Allen. Springer.
I Know All News. “Asexual Man Lives with Married Couple and Is ‘co-Parent’ to Their Baby,” January 25, 2019. https://iknowallnews.com/lifestyle/asexual-man-lives-with-married-couple-and-is-co-parent-to-their-baby/.
Kann, Claire. Let's Talk about Love. Swoon Reads, 2018.
Rothblum, Esther D., and Kathleen A. Brehony, eds. Boston Marriages: Romantic but Asexual Relationships among Contemporary Lesbians. Amherst: University of Massachusetts Press, 1993.
Scherrer, Kristin S. “What Asexuality Contributes to the Same-Sex Marriage Discussion.” Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services 22, no. 1–2 (January 29, 2010): 56–73. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538720903332255.
Additional Info!
Reczek, Corinne. “Sexual‐ and Gender‐Minority Families: A 2010 to 2020 Decade in Review.” Journal of Marriage and Family 82, no. 1 (February 2020): 300–325. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12607.
Mosbergen, Dominique. “‘I Hope You Get Raped.’” HuffPost, June 20, 2013. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/asexual-discrimination_n_3380551.
BuzzFeed News. “Asexual People Can Be Sexually Assaulted Too.” Accessed April 20, 2021. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/jmkliegman/asexuality-sexual-assault-harassment-me-too.
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